My Own Betrayal
by Mnemosyne's Elegy
Summary: Just another cliché story about Yami losing Yugi to the Seal of the Orichalcos, and the aftermath.
1. My Own Betrayal

**Note: This is just another cliché story about Yami losing Yugi to the Seal of Orichalcos and then learning to forgive himself again, blah blah. After reading so many of these, I had to write one eventually. The first chapter is just Yami's thoughts about betraying Yugi, and the second is the story of how Yugi convinced him to forgive himself.  
**

**Normally I never use the titles _aibou _and _mou hitori no boku _because I go by the English anime, but they fit in with the story, so I included them this once. Sorry for any inconsistency.**

* * *

_**{Yami}**_

_Aibou, aibou, what have I done? How can you be gone? How could I have done this to you? How could I have betrayed you? It is all my fault, all my fault. I feel so empty without you, one half of a soul trying to fill an entire body. Your body. How can I stay here in your skin when you are not here? I feel alone, so alone. Our friends stand by me, though I think they should condemn me. They are still here, but it is not the same. Is not the same without you._

_Yugi, what have I done? You warned me not to play that card, and I knew better myself. I knew the Seal was evil, yet I played it anyway. The anger and hatred in my heart got the best of me, controlled me. But the real reason I played it was because of how much I hate feeling powerless. When I am powerless, I cannot protect you. I just wanted to protect you. And instead I hurt you, sent you away. Let them all think that the only reason I did this was because my dark side took control. It is what they should think. Leave love and protection out of it, because nothing can excuse what I did. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I would rather they think that I am hate-filled and evil, because that is what I deserve. They should hate me, aibou, and so should you._

_Other Me, what have I done? Without you I feel as if all the darkness inside me is clawing its way out. Without you I feel as if I am becoming evil. So perhaps Rafael was right. Perhaps I really was an evil king. How would I know? I cannot remember. Meryet assures me it is not so, but not even she could see into my heart. And though I feel guilty for doubting her, I wonder if she would claim I was a good king regardless of the facts in order to try to purify my heart now while I cannot remember the past. Is this what I have come to? I am thinking in circles, round and round, always coming back to one thought: What have I done?_

_Other half, what have I done? My heart is shattered, my soul is broken. Without you, I am nothing. Nothing. I don't belong here. I am tied only to you. I feel like a thief, sending your soul away and inhabiting the body you left behind. Because it is not mine. Nothing is mine, not anymore. Perhaps I have been too hasty in accepting the things you offer me, because none of it is mine. The things you give me, your body, your friends, your memories, they are not mine. Nothing. I cannot stand to look anyone in the face anymore. I feel like giving up, but I cannot. Not until I rescue you._

_Partner, what have I done? I will try to make it right. I will retrieve your soul from the Orichalcos. And then what? I am not sure I can look you in the face again. I fear that you hate me now. But I fear even more that you have forgiven me. I deserve your hatred. I do not deserve your forgiveness, your kindness. Maybe when you return I can lock myself away in the puzzle again. You will not have to share your life with me anymore. You will not have to worry about foes seeking you out as they search for me. You will not have to help me remember my past and fulfill my destiny. You will not have to worry about me. You would be better off without me._

_Oh, Yugi, what have I done?_


	2. The Road to Healing

_**\\Yami's communication through mindlink\\**_

_**\Yugi\**_

* * *

"Whatever happened to the Pharaoh?" Téa asked suddenly. Everyone looked at her and frowned. Come to think of it, Yami hadn't made an appearance in days. Not since…Yugi frowned in concentration, trying to remember the last time he had seen Yami. Since he had been released by the Orichalcos. _Oh no. _

Yugi had been so busy reassuring his friends that he was really back and alright, and adjusting back to his normal life, that he had barely even noticed his partner's absence. But now it hit him like a ton of bricks. He felt the blood drain from his face.

"Oh no," he murmured, almost to himself.

"What?" Joey asked, concerned.

Yugi shook his head. "Come to think of it, he hasn't talked to me since he saved me from Dartz and defeated Leviathan. It's like he completely shut himself off. He cut off the mindlink. I can barely feel him at all."

Téa paled visibly. "You don't think…?"

Yugi heard a sigh and looked over to where the ghostly form of the ancient Egyptian sorceress had appeared next to her host.

"You had better go talk to him," Meryet said, her eyes fixed on the ground, her arms crossed, and an unreadable expression on her face. "He is being eaten alive by his own guilt. It will not be an easy talk. He will not want to hear that you forgive him. He does not feel like he deserves your kindness right now. In fact, he probably thinks you would be better off without him. Yugi, he hates himself right now. It will take him a long time to forgive himself, but you need to help him start to heal."

She sounded as if she spoke from experience, her voice tired, with a bitter edge. His sister looked at Meryet with wide, sad eyes and rested a hand on her ghostly arm.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," she murmured softly. Meryet's mouth twisted into a bitter smile.

"Worry about me later. It is the Pharaoh who is in the most trouble right now."

_Could it be that Meryet has been through a similar experience before? That she was eaten alive by guilt? What could she have done? She's always so kind and protective. But then again, so is the Pharaoh._

"Um, Yug? Hello? Anyone there?"

Yugi snapped back to the present, only to see Joey waving his hands in his face.

"Sorry guys. I was talking to Meryet and got distracted, I guess."

"Oh yeah? What did she have to say?" Tristan asked, slightly suspicious. The others still had a hard time accepting that the two ancient Egyptians and the Mutou siblings could all see each other in their apparition forms even though no one else could.

Yugi sighed and shook his head. "She says that I need to go talk to Yami because he's being consumed by his guilt. I'm worried that he might hate himself right now, and-"

"Well good!" Rebecca cut in. "He _did _betray you. He can't expect you to forgive him right away. He _should _feel guilty!"  
"Rebecca!" Mira said sharply. "Show some mercy! You don't know what ran through Yami's head when he played that card. Do you really thinkhe _wanted_ to hurt Yugi? Show a little compassion. What's done is done, and he has to accept the consequences. But he can't be stuck in the past forever, blaming himself for things already done and paid for."

She turned and locked eyes with Meryet, who turned away and vanished back into the mirror. Yugi blinked. What could Meryet have done? And where did all that anger and vehemence come from? Because Mira had seen Meryet go through the guilt process? Or perhaps she was channeling the sorceress's anger. Meryet was in love with the Pharaoh, after all, and Yugi had sensed her rage at Rebecca's comment. He shook the thoughts out of his head and refocused on the conversation.

"Mira's right. I forgave him a long time ago. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. After all, if he lost, it should have been his soul that was taken. I just interfered. He tried to stop me from taking his place. I believe that he has learned his lesson and paid the price for his actions. I just hope that I can get through to him."

"Hmpf." Rebecca turned away. Yugi sighed. He couldn't help but feel a little bit glad that she was leaving tomorrow. He liked her, sure, but sometimes she could get on his nerves. She was too clingy and vengeful at times. He preferred it when she was in a good mood.

"I hope he's okay," Téa said softly. Of course she would. As if everyone couldn't tell that she had a crush on Yami. It hurt Yugi a little since he had liked her for years, but he couldn't blame her for falling for his heroic alter ego.

"Sorry guys, but I'm going to head back home and try to talk to Yami. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon."

"Yugi…" Mira said softly.

He turned back to face his older sister.

"When you were gone…He completely fell apart. He even cried. He needs you. You are the only one who can help him right now."

He blinked. Yami had _cried_? Yami never cried. Yami was always so sure of himself and confident. If he had been crying… It was even worse than he had feared. He nodded slowly and left the café with a heavy heart, feeling his friends' eyes on his back as he left.

All the way back to the game shop, he tried to plan out what he would say to Yami, but he couldn't think of anything adequate. Reaching his house, he called out a quick hello to his grandfather and ran up the stairs. Lying on his bed, he sent his spirit to his soul room, his consciousness leaving his bedroom and entering a different sort of room. His soul room was littered with toys and games, warm and inviting. But he wasn't here to play around in this enchanting place. No, he wanted to go across the hall to the Pharaoh's soul room.

The door seemed to resist Yugi as he pushed his way in, as if it knew that the Pharaoh did not want him here. But after a few moments it finally creaked open, and Yugi took a few hesitant steps inside the maze of Yami's mind.

_\Yami?\_

Yami never wanted Yugi wandering the labyrinth by himself. He would always come get him, but now, Yugi felt nothing over their link. It was closed. He was on his own.

Well then, he'd just have to find the Pharaoh himself. He began wandering aimlessly, opening door after door, finding nothing. After quite some time, he stopped and looked around, feeling discouraged. Not only could he not find Yami, but now he was hopelessly lost.

_\Yami?\_

Nothing.

Yugi groaned. He would never be able to find his way out of this maze on his own. He needed Yami. But the spirit was either ignoring him, or couldn't hear him through the closed link. Most likely the latter. He didn't ignore Yugi when he was in trouble.

_\Yami? I need you. I need help.\_

He tried to push as much of his fear and hurt through the link as he could, even though he knew Yami wouldn't be able to feel them. But then…

Something stirred. It felt as if another presence was waking in his mind, becoming aware of the world. Could it be…?

_\\Yugi? What are you doing in here? Do not move. I will come get you.\\_

Yugi breathed a sigh of relief. Yami had heard him and was coming to get him. He had finally gotten through!

_\Thanks, Yami.\_

He felt, rather than heard, someone come up behind him.

"Come on. You should not be here."

"Wait!" Yugi cried, spinning around to face his friend. "We need to talk."

"You should go. Your friends are probably worried about you. I am sure you have been in here for a while now."

Yugi shrugged it off. "I told them I was coming to talk to you. You've been ignoring me for days now. Do you have any idea how much I've missed you? I miss talking to you and knowing that you're there. It's like something's missing. I need you to come back. Do you have any idea how lonely I've been?"

The spirit flinched and looked away. "I have an idea."

_What did I say…? Oh… _Yugi blanched. Of course the Pharaoh would know. How many times had he thought those same things while Yugi was trapped by the Seal?

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I-"

"You have nothing to apologize for. I, on the other hand, do."

"You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do," Yami interrupted. "My actions were inexcusable. You warned me not to play that card. I should have known better. I _did _know better. I just…When Rafael said those things…I was angry. And scared. Scared that he was right. I let those emotions take control of me. It should never have happened. I betrayed you and the others. I deeply regret what I did, but what is done is done. Now I must accept the consequences."

"_Mou hitori no boku-_"

"Do not call me that," the spirit said harshly. Yugi blinked, taken aback.

"Why not? It's who you are. Even though you're your own person, you're also my other half. And I'm your _aibou_, your partner."

"I _betrayed _you, Yugi. I do not deserve that name anymore. And I have no right to call you my partner either. Not right now."

"Yami-"

"Come on. You need to leave."

"No! I'm not leaving without you! Please, just listen to me! I _need _you, Yami. Please stop cutting me off. I miss you so much. If anyone has the right to be mad at you, it's me. And I'm not angry. Everyone has forgiven you. Everyone except for you. You need to forgive yourself, Yami. I know it will take a while. It will be a long journey, but please come out and do it with me. I want to help you. You can learn to forgive yourself by my side just as well as you can locked up in here."

Yami turned away. "It is better this way, Yugi."

"Look, you've already paid for what you've done, and you fixed the problem. You rescued me. Everything is okay now. I'm back. You're hurting yourself over a problem that has already been resolved. Isn't it enough that you saved me?"

"There is nothing praiseworthy about rescuing someone you betrayed and condemned in the first place," Yami said dryly.

"Look at me!"

Reluctantly, the spirit turned back, his eyes not quite meeting Yugi's. It would have to be good enough for now.

"Open the mindlink."

"Yugi-"

"Please."

They faced each other in silence for a few moments. Then the Pharaoh sighed heavily.

"I will open the link for you if you wish, but you may not like what you find there."

Yugi didn't have enough time to figure out what he meant before he felt the link reopen. For just a moment, it stood completely open, with no barriers at all. Yugi gasped and doubled over as a wave of the Pharaoh's emotions swept over him. He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach by all the pain and regret and guilt pushing through the link.

And for a moment, he could hear the jumble of Yami's thoughts.

_What have I done?...How could I have betrayed them?...inexcusable…darkness…never the same…betrayal…evil king…deserve pain…alone…no forgiveness…How could I have been so cruel?...dark heart…leave me alone…unforgivable…_

The wave of emotion and muddle of half-thoughts cut off as abruptly as it had come, as Yami constructed a barrier around his thoughts. But Yugi could still feel a muted version of his feelings, and knew that the link hadn't been cut off again. But he had to make sure…

_\Yami?\_

_\\Yugi.\\_

Yugi breathed a sigh of relief. They could communicate again. But all those emotions, all those thoughts… Poor Yami. He really was beating himself up over this.

He felt mild concern through the bond.

"Yugi? Are you alright?"

He realized that he hadn't moved since the mindlink had been reestablished. He was still in his doubled up position, not moving, not speaking. He straightened up and locked eyes with Yami.

"No. I won't be alright until you are. I feel your pain, remember? Your pain is my pain, just like how you take over my body in dangerous situations so that you take the hit instead of me. Like how you feel my hurt and pain through our bond and comfort me. Neither of us is really okay unless the other is. Don't you understand yet? You're punishing yourself, but you're punishing me too."

Yami grimaced. "I am sorry."

"It's alright. Just realize that you need to try to recover so that I can too."

The spirit sighed. "Are you ready to leave now? You have been in here long enough."

"Not until you promise me that you'll start talking to me and coming out of the puzzle again."

There was silence for a moment. Then Yami sighed. "As you wish it, so shall it be."

Yugi frowned. "When you say it like that you make it sound like you're my servant or something. We're equals, remember?"

"Equals…Are we really?" the spirit mused, his eyes getting an unfocused and faraway look. "I exist only because you solved the Millennium Puzzle and allow me to inhabit your body. Without you, I could not be here. If you die, I die. I share your body, your mind, your life. I own nothing. Everything is yours. Your body. Your life. So I should not go against your wishes. Everything is, after all, yours. That makes my actions even more inexcusable."

"Don't talk like that!" Yugi exclaimed, horrified. He had the feeling that this was something his friend had pondered for a while. These thoughts hadn't come out of nowhere. Yami snapped back to the present, looking at Yugi with a slightly bemused expression.

"It is not pleasant to think about, but it is true, is it not?"

"Of course it isn't!" Yugi replied angrily. "I share everything with you because I choose to, I want to. You aren't some sort of…some sort of _slave _here! We are equals, remember? You respect my wishes. You don't do things you know I don't want you to out of respect to me and my body. But I also don't do things I know you wouldn't approve of. We make decisions together. Because we're _partners_. We're _equals_.

"And even if we weren't, I suspect you would have the upper hand, not me. Yami, I share those things with you because I respect and admire you. I always wanted to have your strength and courage and confidence. I wanted to be like you. I still do. In your past life you were a great pharaoh who sacrificed himself to save his people. You were a hero, Yami. You _are _a hero. And you're _my _hero. I share everything with you because I love you. I have always been honored to call you _mou hitori no boku_."

The spirit seemed to crumple in on himself, passing a hand over his eyes as he turned away.

"Hero, Yugi? I gave into the darkness of my heart. I betrayed you and your friends. There is nothing heroic about that. I cannot even remember my past. For all I know, I really was an evil king. If I could be so cruel to my own friends, then what could I have done in my past life? I am touched by your admiration, but I fear that it is misplaced." His voice was tired, broken, and it killed Yugi to see him brought so low.

"Everyone makes mistakes," the younger boy whispered. "Don't let one mistake ruin your life. Don't let it erase all the good you've done. Playing the Seal didn't change any of the heroic things you did before. Besides, Meryet said you were a good Pharaoh. Don't you believe her? I've shared a mind with you for years now, Yami. I know you better than anyone else. I would know if you were evil. You're one of the most pure people I know. _Mou hitori no boku-_"

He broke off as he realized that Yami's shoulders had begun to shake softly.

"_Mou hitori no boku…_"

He grasped the spirit's arm and gently pulled him around so that they were facing each other again. He felt his heart break as he saw the silent tears on his friend's face.

"Oh Yami," he whispered, wrapping him in a hug. After a moment, the Pharaoh's arms encircled Yugi and held him close as the sobs came harder, the tears falling into Yugi's hair. They stood together, joined by an embrace, for several long minutes, both crying quietly.

"_Aibou, aibou, aibou_," the spirit whispered over and over again in a broken voice choked with tears.

"It's okay, _mou hitori no boku_. It's okay now. Now that I'm back, I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be alone anymore. Come back with me. Whatever happens…we can face it together."

"I missed you so much, _aibou_. I am nothing without you. When I played the Seal-"

"Shhh…" Yugi cut him off. "That's over. You don't need to say anything more about it."

"No, I do," Yami said quietly, pulling away from Yugi. "You should hear this." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "When I played the seal, it was not only because my emotions got the best of me. I also wanted…I wanted…" He shook his head. "It was not power for power's sake. Everything with the Orichalcos, everything out of our control…It made me feel so powerless. And Yugi, I can't be powerless. Because if I am powerless, I cannot…I cannot protect you."

He laughed bitterly. "And that is the ironic part. I played the Seal because I wanted to protect you."

Yugi blinked in shock. He hadn't considered this before, but perhaps he should have. The spirit continued.

"Your soul was not in danger that duel, _should _nothave been in danger that duel, but it would have been in the next, or the next. I wanted to stop that. If I played the Seal and won, we would have one less enemy, one less soul snatcher. He would not be able to hurt any of our friends anymore. And I hoped that by doing this we would gain some knowledge of the Orichalcos. Perhaps find a way to beat it, or at least understand it better. And you would not have, _should _nothave been in danger. I only played the Seal because I knew that if I lost, it would be _my _soul taken, not yours. You should never have stepped in. You should not have been in danger.

"Funny, is it not? In trying to protect you, I lost your soul."

He sighed, and his eyes took on a glazed look as he lost himself in his dark thoughts again.

"Yami!" Yugi made sure he had the Pharaoh's attention again before he continued. "I _know _that you didn't want to hurt me or put me in danger. And this…This just proves that you _aren't _evil. You didn't only do it out of anger or hatred, although I'm sure that played a part. You also did it because you wanted to save me and our friends. The intention was noble, even if the action was not."

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

"We've both already been to Hell and back, Yami. It's time to look forward. You have your whole destiny in front of you. We're so close. You can't give up now." He sighed. "I want to help you remember your past and fulfill your destiny, even though I know that means you'll have to leave. I'll miss you terribly, and I don't know how I'll survive without you, but you deserve to know. You have a bright future. Don't let this one incident hold you back. You were made for so much more than this."

The Pharaoh looked at Yugi for a moment before straightening up and brushing away his tears. Yugi felt his cool fingers on his face as he gently wiped away the younger boy's tears as well.

"Alright, _aibou_. I will try to move on for you. Now, are you ready to get out of this labyrinth?"

"Do you promise that you'll stay with me now instead of staying here?"  
"I promise, _aibou_."

Yugi smiled. "Good. Then let's go."

He grabbed the spirit's hand, and as they made their way out of the maze, he filled his friend in on everything he had missed.

As Yugi's words washed over Yami, the spirit allowed himself to feel a spark of hope that everything would work out and the future would be brighter.

Through the bond, Yugi felt the spark, and smiled to himself. It would take time, but time healed all wounds. It would leave scars as a reminder of the past, but perhaps that was for the best. No matter how painful the experience had been, it should never be forgotten.


End file.
